Dad
I honestly didn’t want to type this. Thought I’ve already dealt with this pain and hurt. But at work, God impressed upon me that no, I indeed have not dealt with it. I’ve suppressed it and in doing so, have hindered mine and God’s relationship and my wife’s, family and friends. So I will deal with this head on. With tears and a heavy heart- releasing it all to God and laying it down at the feet of my precious Jesus.
It’s been 3 years and 10 months since you died dad. On November the 6, 2019 around 10pm I got the phone call that no one wants to receive.
It was Kenny, and I thought it was a terrible joke.
“Dad is passed out not breathing get to moms asap”
“Man you’re joking…”
“No get here now.” Click
Numbness shot through me. Is this the day I lose my dad, who was my role model in Christ? Who helped teach me about abiding in Christ, in a real time, active daily fellowship obedience to the Master Jesus Christ? Why? Why now? Why on moms birthday? Dad is 56, that’s too early. God, you promised in Genesis, “man’s years will be 120. (Genesis 6:3). Dad needs to be alive and see Kenny and Katie’s son. His grandson. He needs to see his youngest get married. Emotions went through the roof.
I get there. A 45 minute drive turned 27. (Oops 😝) Ambulance and cop lights lighting up the house and area I previously lived in. The cop wouldn’t let anyone in. Mom, my brother and sister in law praying trying to comfort mom. My sister and her husband got there a few minutes later. We’re all praying, reading scripture. Confessing psalm 91, Isaiah 53:4,5, Luke 5:12-13, 1 Peter 2:24. Every scripture on healing was spoken and declared.
Then, they called us in.
“Ma’am, we did everything we could. I’m so sorry for your loss. We called Baptist hospital and talked to head over (cardiology?) and they walked us through everything we could do.” (Something to that effect)
Hearing that and watching my mom burst into tears, was not an easy sight. It should not have gone this way. It should have been dad calling us together, praying over us, blessing us and encouraging us to continue in the faith. It did not. Why? Why did dad get ripped away from us so early? I know I shouldn’t think this way, but it’s what I feel. I have to address it so God can answer and heal my pain, my hurt, my numbness and my distancing from Him.
We go in to the living room and see dad, lying there, his favorite shirt ripped open. (Maybe he refused to come back because his favorite shirt was ripped?? Just kidding 😅) They had worked on dad for an hour. Some said if he had been resuscitated he would have been brain dead. I didn’t and don’t believe that one iota. My God is Jehovah Rapha. My dad stood in faith for healing in my knee my freshman year in high school. I know his faith and I know my God. He would have been a walking testimony!! But, this time, he wasn’t a testimony. God…why? I love my dad tremendously. This can’t be happening. I’m dreaming. I’m in a nightmare! Pinch me someone, anyone..wake me up out of this..whatever this is.
The next few days were a daze. My brother and sister in law and my wife and I would not let mom be by herself. I went home that morning. Got what sleep I could, which wasn’t much if at all. Then we went back and talked funeral. Did we want to bury dad or cremate him? Where? What’s the cost? So many mundane things that unfortunately HAD to be dealt with. We all wanted to be by ourselves, which wasn’t what we needed. We needed the camaraderie, the stories, the tears, the laughter. It was a Wednesday when dad died. I worked Friday-Sunday. My now wife (girlfriend at the time) had a friend who worked in HR where we both worked. She took care of all my bereavement papers and let us know my job was safe. Big blessing during that time. Friday or Saturday, I can’t remember, the family and I, my wife, my aunts and those who could stomach it, went to see dad one last time before cremation. Seeing dads body, lifeless with no joy or hearing his name he called me “hubba hubba”, was…difficult. The man I loved as a father lifeless at such a young age, the man I looked up to, the man that would spend countless time in the Word with me teaching me about Christ. Just…not there. Of course, I know we are spirits, we have a soul (mind, will, intellect and emotions) and we live in a body. But I wasn’t ready for dad to go and graduate to heaven. I had much to learn from him as a man. We were planning an addition to the house, a screened in back porch. To work with my dad in what he loved doing was such a fun thought. When I was younger, my dad and I built a club house. It was awesome! Had a slide on the back where we had a deck, swings on the side, and a ladder to get up to it from beneath. Honestly, I didn’t even care it was a club house…I just wanted to build something with my dad. Later on, dad found that out and was picking, “hubba hubba why didn’t you tell me?! We could have built an amazing shed!”
Sunday came…the funeral happened. We played 3 songs that represent dad to a T. “Go rest high” by Vince Gill, “Only Jesus” by Casting Crowns and “lean on me” by Stephen Hill and Lillie Knauls. We chose those songs because dad was someone we could lean on, he didn’t want to leave a legacy that was his, only Jesus and go rest high is a classic. After the music, my sister, brother and I went to say a few words. They chose me to to go first (🥴) and I completely butchered it. Stole some things accidentally from my brothers speech. (Sorry, man. Honestly didn’t mean to lol) and from account of others almost said God’s name in vain a few times (😳). Then my brother chose not to say anything (oops I probably stole the parts he was wanting to say 🫢😬). Then my sister said some things I don’t honestly remember, I zoned out. Then she sang a song and during the song choked up. It was beautiful.
The next few days, weeks months and even years I back slid. Barely, if at all, reading my Bible. Rarely prayed. I’m honestly surprised my wife stayed with me during that time period. (I thank you and I love you, babylove 💜). I was a wreck but I didn’t want to admit it. It affected me greatly. I should have been man enough to admit I needed help but I suppressed it and acted like I was fine. Everyone knew I wasn’t but no one wanted to upset me. I faked a smile and I wasn’t good at it. On November 14, 2020 at 3:10 pm, I penned this:
“Why has it taken me this long to get still before the Lord?” I answer, “ feeling upset, anger, numbness, distant, alone after dads death/ promotion to heaven. Feel as though, if we, God and I, spent time together in fellowship, why did I not know dad was about to go? Why or for what reason, was I not allowed to know beforehand? Your scriptures say, Lord, that You would shew us things to come; why was I not warned or shew unto me and prepare me for dads graduation? (I would have hugged dad tighter the night before when we celebrated moms birthday.)
It took me a year to get still for the answer to those questions. Uncanny how much grace, long suffering and love God has for us!
On December 9th, 2021 at 2:59am, I received a brutally honest answer from the Lord:
“You did not know beforehand due to your lack of fellowship. Had you been in fellowship, I the Lord would have told you. However, since you were not in spirit but rather in flesh, I cannot and could not shew it unto you. You abandoned me (😖😭😭😔 sheesh! Brutally honest here, Father!) when you awakened love before it was time. You felt condemned, worthless, and fled my presence (I knew better as well, that’s why I felt those emotions). Beloved, all you had to do was repent. I have never left you and have never condemned you. For all your sins were forgiven at the cross. Repenting does not merely mean asking for forgiveness, it means confessing it, turning from it and receiving by faith forgiveness.” A burden lifted off of me. But I wasn’t a tither yet so satan had legal ground to steal it. Not anymore! I take my rightful authority over it and rest on my Tithers rights! The enemy is rebuked for my sake! Hallelujah!
Here I am. Broken before God. Upset that I’ve allowed sin to distance me from my all loving Father in heaven, who wants nothing but the best for me. Why did I fear God in the bad way? Why didn’t I run to Him and nestle into His feathers that would protect me? The answer is pride and condemnation. I renounce pride in Jesus Name! I renounce my sin: awakening love before it was time, cussing, using God’s name in vain, backsliding, pride, selfishness, gossip and any idols. I am nothing without God and therein lies some of my problems: I was trying to be someone without God. I wanted to be someone with reputation. Since second grade I’ve had this stronghold to please people and “be someone”as I wasn’t accepted and picked on. It wasn’t until 5th-8th grade when my parents managed a teen age club that I got accepted at school. I had a couple friends but I wanted the “popular” kids who wore hollister, American eagle, gap- the “name brand” preppy clothes to accept me. I was after the wrong acceptance. I needed God’s and I need to trust and believe in God’s acceptance more than man’s. But I didn’t, until now.
With God I am a priest, a chosen generation, accepted in the beloved, highly favored, anointed for such a time as this. With God, I am forgiven. I am the righteousness of God in Christ! I am set apart, above and not beneath. First and not the last, the head and not the tail. With God I have authority to take back the Nation for God and His glory. With God I am blessed. God has given me a wonderful wife, son and daughter. They love me and they accept me. That with God’s acceptance of me, is all I need. I release the need for others to accept me and to honor me down and I rebuke this stronghold. I am enough. I will make sure my family knows and grows into knowing the only acceptance y’all need is God’s. Who cares what other think or say about you. What matters is what God says about you and He says many, many good- extremely good and blessed things about y’all. Trust and believe and respect God enough to receive that love and acceptance and put off that feeling and need of others to respect and accept you. Let go and be free in Christ to rule and reign with the I AM!
I am set free!
